I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
