I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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