Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
