I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
