just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
