After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
