so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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