it was like a zeppelin in a condom
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
