Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
