I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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