PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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