i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
