Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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