my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
3 2 1 whiskey
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
