I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
