The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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