i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
