Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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