Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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