her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
