I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
