you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
