I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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