p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
