don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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