Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize