how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
