I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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