if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
