I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
