The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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