I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The uberlube is also flammable
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
