Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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