The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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