you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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