How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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