bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my being single is dangerous.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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