Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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