Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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