Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
