found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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