If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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