If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
