shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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