its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sext me about skeletons
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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