at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I forget how to act sober
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
