I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
