I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
