A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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