I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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