I saw his package. It spoke to me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
