i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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