I want to have your abortion
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
