I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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