Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
