My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
