i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
