If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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