he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
