Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
