I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
well you can't waste a boner
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
