You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
