Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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