Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
