so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
